Piercings and Patience

Last Thursday night we had Open House at school. We got home late and still needed to help the girls study for a big history test they were to have the next day. We told them to go take their showers quickly so we could study. They were in the bathroom for a long time. We kept knocking on the door and asking them to hurry. They said, "Okay, okay, we almost done." When they finally came out they proudly came and pointed to their ears and said, "Lookee! We poke our ears!" They had both given themselves additional earring holes (high on the cartilage) using perfume as an antiseptic and an earring as a piercing tool. I-YEEE! It was almost 10:00 and we hadn't studied for the test.

Mark and I both just looked at each other and we knew we didn't want to go to battle at that moment. It was late and we were tired. We scolded them for not telling us what they were doing, and for doing something they shouldn't have been doing instead of hurrying to get ready as we had asked. We just told them "NO MORE HOLES! Don't ever do that again!" They assured us they didn't want anymore and they would never do it again. We explained about infections and keeping their ears clean, etc., etc., etc. They seemed to understand, so we left it at that, and went on to studying for the test.

The drama occurred the next day at school. Apparently some of the girls in the 5th grade noticed Zhanna and Ella's new earrings and took great interest in how and when it was done. Zhanna and Ella told the other girls that they did it themselves, and explained the process. They told the girls that girls at the orphanage did it all the time. One of the girls in the group was mesmerized by that idea. When the class went to the park at recess this girl came to Zhanna and insistently asked her if Zhanna would pierce her ears for her. At first Zhanna refused. However, after much persuasion and assurance that it would be okay and no one would get in trouble, Zhanna complied with the request. After the deed was done the pierced girl (B) convinced another friend to allow her to pierce her ears, as well. B had become more brazen and confident about the process by this time, and insisted that another friend have her ears pierced, as well, to the point of holding her down, sitting on her arms and covering her mouth, all the while trying to poke the earring into her earlobe. It didn't succeed, but the attempt was made. All these girls went back to class after recess as if nothing had happened.

After school, I asked the girls how their day had gone. They proceeded to tell me the whole sordid story, as if it were the most normal occurrence in the world. I asked and then asked again, "You did what? To who? How?!" Then I said, "Girls! You can't do things like that here like you did at the orphanage! These girls have mothers! Their mothers will be mad!" I told them I had to talk to their teacher and to the principal about what had happened. By the look on the girls' faces I could tell that they had no idea that there would be anything wrong with what had been done. They looked frightened and surprised.

I went and shared the tale. Their teacher had gotten wind of some "girl stuff" going on, but had no idea about what had happened. The principal was supportive of me, but suggested I call the other mothers and let them know what had happened. (At this point I only knew of Zhanna's part and was feeling incredibly responsible and guilty). It was a difficult task to call the other moms. I prayed first and tried to be as patient and gentle as I could. I apologized and explained that I felt my girls are good girls and didn't mean to do anything wrong. They had seen and done things like this at the orphanage many times and didn't understand that it was not the wisest thing thing to do. I explained that they are still learning about the difference between the culture of a family, vs. the culture of an orphanage. B's mother didn't react too well. I knew we were not done with the matter.

Sure enough, on Monday, B's mom met me in the hallway as I was going to my classroom. I asked how they were doing and apologized again. I again tried to explain that the girls were just learning and I appreciated how the other girls had been trying to be such good friends. The mother was cool toward me and told me icily, "Well, that friendship can no longer continue. My daughter is too easily influenced." What can you say to that? I said, "Okay. I'm sorry," and walked away.

Later in the morning the principal and assistant principal met with all the girls in the 5th grade. They shared what they knew and lectured on sanitary practices and making good choices. Then they asked the girls to share what they knew about the situation or had seen. Everything came out. It became evident that Zhanna was talked into the original piercing and that B had been manipulative and had bullied the other girls into complying to her desire that everyone have holes in their ears! The decision was made that the four girls most involved would spend lunch detention in the Principal's office for one week, writing out letters to their parents and paragraphs about making wise choices. In addition, B would have a week of in-house suspension (meaning she stays in the Principal's office not only at lunch, but all day long, and does all her schoolwork there, rather than in the regular classroom).

The result of all these choices gave Mark and me some leverage to sit down with the girls at home as well, and have a family meeting about everything that had occurred. We began with a prayer, and then talked to the girls about the influence they are having on the other girls and the responsibility that comes with that. We asked them what they had learned from all of this. They were able to tell us quite clearly what they had learned, especially Ella. She said, "I glad I no do this poke somebody's ears!" We were able to talk to them about choices always leading to consequences. Then we said that we were going to ask them to do something that they probably wouldn't like. We said we were going to ask them to remove the earrings they had poked themselves the night before all this drama happened. We wanted them to let those holes close up. We assured them that it wasn't the earrings that we were against, but the fact that they had done that without asking and that all these consequences had come from that choice. They were never to pierce their own ears again, but in a year or two, if they still wanted their ears pierced and we talked about it as a family and thought it was a good idea, then we would take them to a place where it would be sanitary and clean.

Ella complied with our request readily. She was a bit quiet and sad, but did what we asked. Zhanna, on the other hand, was mad, and sulked. She stomped into her room and took out the earring and then got in her bed as if she was refusing to come out and talk anymore. We had to remind her that she was making choices again, and consequences would come from those choices, too, if she didn't decide to come back out and finish our conversation. She finally and reluctantly agreed, and we were able to finish with another prayer. She sulked through dinner, but then seemed to feel better and the rest of the evening went well. At bedtime she even made a little comment about, "Mom, no earring!" I reminded her that maybe in a year or two she could get them pierced again if she still wanted to. "A year!" she said. But that was all. Thankfully, that was that.

So, Zhanna has lunch detention this week. Both girls have healing holes in their ears, and we have survived a minor calamity. But God is good, and has seen us through. God gives us everything we continue to need. That's how we know this journey is all from Him. And on a last side note: that history test we had to study for after the girls pierced their ears at home? Zhanna got a 92 and Ella got the only 100 in the class! It was a 5 page test! We are so proud of both of our little "Holey" or "Holy" girls.

God is good! He loves us all the time, and we love Him.
Love,
Dawn and Mark