What a wild and full summer it has been! We started by going to the Isotopes Baseball game in which Ella got to throw out the first pitch because of winning an art contest and having her picture selected for the annual Isotopes calendar. About 100 people from church and school joined us and it was a great evening culminating in a fantastic fireworks show. Wow!
A week later, Mark and I and the three girls flew to Washington D.C. to attend National History Day at the University of Maryland. Thirteen of my students competed at the National Level this year, and one of my students took 2nd place in the nation for Individual Performance. I'm the proud teacher!
While in the D.C. area we did a lot of sightseeing and also had the opportunity to travel to Annapolis and to Philadelphia. So much U.S. history! I think we stuffed as much of it as we could into Zhanna and Ella's heads. I know they don't understand everything, but hopefully they will remember that we've been there and it will make more sense to them when they study it in school.
After a week in Maryland we rented a car and drove to Indianapolis to visit relatives there for a few days. We had a great time with my stepmom and her husband and my brother and his family. The girls met new cousins and other family members. We then went to Cinncinati for a day and a half, and were able to visit the Creation Museum and go to King's Island Amusement Park. We all love roller coasters and it was fun. After that we drove to Lexington, Ky. to stay with Mark's brother. Mark's parents had already arrived there after driving with Nathan, and Mark's other brothers and families came, too for a family reunion and celebration of Mom and Dad's 60th anniversary. The gathering was fun and special! Zhanna and Ella loved the time there and had fun with more cousins. They weren't able to verbalize much about it, other than to say they really had fun, but that was enough. I think they are still just trying to take it all in, but I think they are amazed by how large the extended family is. The idea of even having a nuclear family is so new to them, that extended family must seem like a real mystery.
We left Lexington after several days and spent the next night in St. Louis. We were able to go up in the Gateway to the West Arch and experience more history there. Finally we spent two nights in Oklahoma City with my sister and family (and time with additional cousins!), and then got back home on June 1. What a delightfully blessed vacation! We are so thankful we were able to take this road trip with the girls this year. We all experienced so much of America and the togetherness was great (and very real, as it is with most families!).
In thinking about all this travel I came across a quote from Mark Twain that goes like this, " Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime." I believe this to be true, and want to give as many travel experiences as I can to my children. I think it helps them to grow in ways that merely reading about a place or seeing it on TV could never do.
Zhanna and Ella, especially, need experiences like travel in order to broaden their horizons. I think they grew from the trip and they did express that they were glad to be home. That made us feel good and helped us to know that they, indeed, think of it as their home and a place they belong.
While things are progressing well in so many ways with the girls, some things are getting more difficult. For one thing, they both are chin-deep into teenage attitude now. Zhanna, being the older of the two, seemed to exhibit it all last year. Ella just turned 13 on July 4, after we arrived back home. Her attitude has been brewing for some time, but 13 seems to be the "magic age" when it kicks in full force. Mark and I have raised teenagers before and have worked with teenagers practically our whole lives, but I don't think we were prepared for the force in which the girls have entered their teens and are assuming all the attributes of the "typical American teenage girl."
For instance, we had heard from another family who adopted kids from Ukraine that their kids seemed extremely grateful. Zhanna and Ella don't seem to understand how to show or express real gratitude. They are learning, because we stress the issue, but it does not come naturally. Instead, they seem to take for granted everything we buy for them or do for them and hint often that they want something different or better or more. That is a hard thing for us to deal with because we had worked hard with our older two children to be grateful and satisfied with what they were given. By the time they were teens they knew full well they better not complain, and to express thankfulness for any gift or act of service they were given.
Also, Zhanna and Ella have become fully enamored with technology and media. They love the computer and Facebook, and saved up their birthday money to buy Ipods, which they are consumed with at the moment. They are also extremely aware of fashion and hair and makeup. They seem to struggle a lot with concern about their looks and worry about what people think of them. Zhanna, especially, seems to struggle with insecurity, but masks it with obsession about her appearance. She sometimes comes across to others as "stuck up," but inside she just feels incredibly shy and unsure of herself. Ella deals with her own insecurities by withdrawing. She closes in and holds a lot of her feelings deep inside. She seems to need more sleep than Zhanna and seems to take longer to formulate feelings, but once they are formed they go deep. She hasn't figured out how to talk about her feelings or express much at all. In the mornings it's impossible to even get her to talk, let alone smile or be concerned about someone else.
Whew! This is hard! Harder than I think we anticipated, but we must admit, it is real. We have to constantly stop and try to analyze where the girls have come from and what they've been through and how they've learned to deal with life. We realize our expectations for them are unlike anything anyone has expected from them in their 13 and 14 years of life. We certainly can't expect changes to occur overnight, when this is all so new to them. In addition, we have the cultural differences and the input of American materialism and then the normal teenage hormonal craziness. It all adds up to the potential for a lot of frustration and weariness.
But then there is prayer. God is so good. He will see us through this and on to the other side. Our goal for the girls is what we assume is God's goal for us: to grow (physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, spiritually), and learn to appreciate, and to think about others, and to be at peace with ourselves.
So, when the girls think their parents are now totally "uncool," and won't hardly talk to us, (as they did this past weeked when we took them to church camp and went to visit them another evening, we pretty much have learned to take it in stride. (We want to tell them: "Remember us? The people who spent an anxious year of our lives being turned inside out and upside down with paperwork to be able to adopt you? Remember us? The ones who made two trips to Ukraine and put our lives on hold for weeks to come and get you and make you our own children? Remember us? The people who spent thousands of dollars for you and haven't blinked an eye? Remember? All the other people who have given money and time and other things for you? Remember?) We sometimes maybe feel like shaking them a bit in order for them to see more clearly. We don't do that however. We try with all our might to be patient with them, as our Heavenly Father is patient with us. We love these two girls as best we can, and try to provide everything they need, to the best of our ability. We long for them to love us and to love God and to love others. We must keep firmly and gently showing them a more excellent way. We pray that God will grow them and show them and use them for His glory.
In the meantime, it's a wild ride and we are hanging on. But we are committed and determined. May God keep growing us and showing us and using us for His glory.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Reflection from a Mom
Yesterday was Mother's Day. A good day to reflect on the current state of my family. This is my first Mother's Day as the mom of 4 kids. Two years ago on Mother's Day we attended Annie's graduation from high school. I remember clearly, thinking to myself, "Well, this is it. My big job as a mom is over. Now Mark and I face the empty nest." God laughed! Little did I know that a mere 2 months later I would meet my 2 additional children!
Then last year, we spent Mother's Day in Abilene, Texas, having just attended Nathan's graduation from college. After going to church that Sunday morning we had to say our good-byes to Nathan, knowing we were flying to Kiev less than a week later. We had spent a year of intense preparation and paperwork. Our hearts were full of excitement and anticipation, and the nervousness of facing the unknown. We looked forward to bringing home our sweet, sensitive, quiet, well-behaved girls and looking ahead at years of helping them adjust and learn English. Again, God laughed.
This year, Mother's Day was the best ever. Annie and Nathan arrived home on Saturday night, along with Mark, who had driven to Lubbock early that morning to help Annie load all her stuff, and then driven back with the kids that afternoon. When they arrived home, Zhanna and Ella and I all ran out to greet them. We had been cleaning house all day and the girls were feeling the excitement and anticipation of the family all being home together. Going to bed that night was joyful for me, knowing all my "chicks" were in the nest.
Yesterday we went to church in the morning and had Mark's parents over to our house for lunch, but they brought the Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was just a sweet simple time of togetherness and I kept looking around the table and pondering at the magnitude of God who brought us all together as family. Last night, before bed, the kids and Mark and I sat around the couch in the living room and talked and laughed and sang songs and poked fun at each other and giggled and prayed. Zhanna and Ella took part in it all, as if they had always been a part of the family. What a sweet Mother's Day memory!
Our girls are growing so much. They are definitely not the shy, quiet, reluctant children who entered our home last summer. They are good students and speak English very well now. They are bold, silly, giggly, sometimes loud, sometimes crabby, full of fun, typical teenagers now. Other than their accents, you would never know they were not American kids. They like hamburgers and pizza and movies and game rooms and clothes and makeup and video games and computers and electronics and hanging out with their friends. They were on the basketball team at school this year and "had a ball" with that. They joined the new choir at school and Zhanna sang a solo at the concert. They were both in the school musical and did a great job.
They have changed our home. The nest is full. Very full! Actually, Annie just made the decision to move back home and attend the local university, rather than go back to Texas in the fall. She wants to be closer to us and the girls. So, all of her belongings must find a spot to rest, once again. This is challenging, because when we moved everything out of Nathan's room to paint and remodel for the girls, I moved some things like wrapping paper, etc., that I had stored in his closet, to Annie's closet. Now that she's home, whew! I don't know where this kind of stuff can go. But we'll get creative, and it will all work. In the whole scheme of life, a shortage of storage space is not a big problem. Having a house full of the energy of family is well worth it!
Now, we do have our challenges in the "stuff" department, however. Namely, the ever swirling, ever seething sea of things that is part of family life. Especially because the girls have never had a lot to keep up with before, and now they don't always understand the need to pick up after oneself continually and keep up with one's own stuff. They also don't really understand the concept of throwing away and down-sizing one's belongings. At this point they want to keep everything, even the little junky "kid" stuff that accumulates so quickly. I must confess, I sometimes throw stuff away when I find it lying around. But then there are the inevitable questions, "Where's my ________??" At that point I can honestly answer, "I don't know!" The most annoying items for me to find lying around all over the house are hair ties, bobby pins, pens, pencils, notes from friends, jewelry, shoes, and food wrappers. It requires constant vigilence and reminders to "pick up your _________ and put (throw) it away." But as I watch other families and other kids, I am reminded that this is not unique to our kids. This is a common kid condition. I had just gotten out of practice of dealing with it since our older two had either been gone for several years, or had learned to keep their stuff in their own room a bit more consistently. Zhanna and Ella will learn, too.
My energy level is lower with these two kids, now that I'm older. But I think my patience and wisdom levels are higher, praise be to God. I guess that all balances out. The girls seem happy and settled and content and "at home." A good friend of ours, who teaches the girls' Sunday School class asked them yesterday, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you feel about your family and your church family, after being here almost a year?" Our friend told us Zhanna and Ella both responded, enthusiastically, "10!" That helps us to know that all is well and the girls are comfortable and feeling that they belong.
One more sweet Mother's Day memory: Yesterday evening, walking to church. All 4 of my children walking along with me. Zhanna and Nathan have linked arms and Ella and Annie have linked arms. They are laughing and enjoying being family. God is with them. We are happy. God is good. There is peace. We praise God for His miracles.
Then last year, we spent Mother's Day in Abilene, Texas, having just attended Nathan's graduation from college. After going to church that Sunday morning we had to say our good-byes to Nathan, knowing we were flying to Kiev less than a week later. We had spent a year of intense preparation and paperwork. Our hearts were full of excitement and anticipation, and the nervousness of facing the unknown. We looked forward to bringing home our sweet, sensitive, quiet, well-behaved girls and looking ahead at years of helping them adjust and learn English. Again, God laughed.
This year, Mother's Day was the best ever. Annie and Nathan arrived home on Saturday night, along with Mark, who had driven to Lubbock early that morning to help Annie load all her stuff, and then driven back with the kids that afternoon. When they arrived home, Zhanna and Ella and I all ran out to greet them. We had been cleaning house all day and the girls were feeling the excitement and anticipation of the family all being home together. Going to bed that night was joyful for me, knowing all my "chicks" were in the nest.
Yesterday we went to church in the morning and had Mark's parents over to our house for lunch, but they brought the Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was just a sweet simple time of togetherness and I kept looking around the table and pondering at the magnitude of God who brought us all together as family. Last night, before bed, the kids and Mark and I sat around the couch in the living room and talked and laughed and sang songs and poked fun at each other and giggled and prayed. Zhanna and Ella took part in it all, as if they had always been a part of the family. What a sweet Mother's Day memory!
Our girls are growing so much. They are definitely not the shy, quiet, reluctant children who entered our home last summer. They are good students and speak English very well now. They are bold, silly, giggly, sometimes loud, sometimes crabby, full of fun, typical teenagers now. Other than their accents, you would never know they were not American kids. They like hamburgers and pizza and movies and game rooms and clothes and makeup and video games and computers and electronics and hanging out with their friends. They were on the basketball team at school this year and "had a ball" with that. They joined the new choir at school and Zhanna sang a solo at the concert. They were both in the school musical and did a great job.
They have changed our home. The nest is full. Very full! Actually, Annie just made the decision to move back home and attend the local university, rather than go back to Texas in the fall. She wants to be closer to us and the girls. So, all of her belongings must find a spot to rest, once again. This is challenging, because when we moved everything out of Nathan's room to paint and remodel for the girls, I moved some things like wrapping paper, etc., that I had stored in his closet, to Annie's closet. Now that she's home, whew! I don't know where this kind of stuff can go. But we'll get creative, and it will all work. In the whole scheme of life, a shortage of storage space is not a big problem. Having a house full of the energy of family is well worth it!
Now, we do have our challenges in the "stuff" department, however. Namely, the ever swirling, ever seething sea of things that is part of family life. Especially because the girls have never had a lot to keep up with before, and now they don't always understand the need to pick up after oneself continually and keep up with one's own stuff. They also don't really understand the concept of throwing away and down-sizing one's belongings. At this point they want to keep everything, even the little junky "kid" stuff that accumulates so quickly. I must confess, I sometimes throw stuff away when I find it lying around. But then there are the inevitable questions, "Where's my ________??" At that point I can honestly answer, "I don't know!" The most annoying items for me to find lying around all over the house are hair ties, bobby pins, pens, pencils, notes from friends, jewelry, shoes, and food wrappers. It requires constant vigilence and reminders to "pick up your _________ and put (throw) it away." But as I watch other families and other kids, I am reminded that this is not unique to our kids. This is a common kid condition. I had just gotten out of practice of dealing with it since our older two had either been gone for several years, or had learned to keep their stuff in their own room a bit more consistently. Zhanna and Ella will learn, too.
My energy level is lower with these two kids, now that I'm older. But I think my patience and wisdom levels are higher, praise be to God. I guess that all balances out. The girls seem happy and settled and content and "at home." A good friend of ours, who teaches the girls' Sunday School class asked them yesterday, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you feel about your family and your church family, after being here almost a year?" Our friend told us Zhanna and Ella both responded, enthusiastically, "10!" That helps us to know that all is well and the girls are comfortable and feeling that they belong.
One more sweet Mother's Day memory: Yesterday evening, walking to church. All 4 of my children walking along with me. Zhanna and Nathan have linked arms and Ella and Annie have linked arms. They are laughing and enjoying being family. God is with them. We are happy. God is good. There is peace. We praise God for His miracles.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Year of Miracles, Year of Change
It is January 1, 2010. Hard to believe! 10 years ago we were all anticipating the grand celebrations of the new millennium and apprehensively wondering about the possible affects of the "Y2K bug." We had no earthly idea that halfway around the world, in Ukraine, there lived 2 little girls, ages 2 and 3 at the time, who were destined to be removed from their birth parents at ages 8 and 9, and eventually weave their way into our hearts and home. If God had told us then what was to come we probably wouldn't have believed, and, chances are, we would have done all in our power to prevent what we would have perceived at the time as only hardship and challenge.
But God is SO wise! He knows he can't reveal too much to His children before He chooses to grow them and gift them. God does His best work unpredictably. It's as if it all happens so fast it makes your head spin, and as you are still reeling from the aftereffects, you realize you have just gone through one of the most difficult things you've ever experienced ~ but, you've been blessed beyond measure.
So it has been with us and adopting our two girls from Ukraine. Wow, what challenges there were and continue to be! But the realization of blessing comes tiptoeing quietly, when we least expect it. Days are hard sometimes, but life is good.
Adopting is not for sissies, don't misunderstand. Especially adopting TWO preteen girls from a foreign culture and speaking a different language. (What were we thinking? Oh, yeah, right, it wasn't our plan, but God's plan! My head is spinning!) But adoption grows and changes you and brings love to you that is undescribable.
Christmas this year was an example of what I'm talking about. We've been home with the girls now 6 months. They seem to feel fully at home and part of the family. But there are continual new experiences. Decorating the house and Christmas year, for instance. Normally that job takes me about a week - working about 2 hours every evening. Not anymore! Now there are Santa's elves living in my home! They were so excited about the decorations and oohed and aahed and exclaimed over all of our 20-year-old stuff! They managed to flit here and there and everywhere and got the tree and the whole house decorated in two evenings! Then, shopping and wrapping presents was even better. The girls delighted in trying to peak at their gifts under the tree, and we had to engage in covert operations to try to prevent that (such as stapling the tops of the giftbags shut!) On Christmas day both Zhanna and Ella seemed relaxed and happy and grateful for presents and good food and family. We all felt blessed. Yet, within a couple of days after Christmas we had to deal, once again, with preteen attitudes and desires. That's where we grow, however. We want the girls to understand that we don't want to bless them just on Christmas day, but every day of the year, as we teach them what family is all about and what God wants for their lives. That's the real gift.
The honeymoon period is over between us and the girls. That is good, even though it is harder. But it is real. We deal with everything now with either firm kindness, or kind firmness, whichever seems appropriate for the situation! We now realize you can take the child away from their country, but you can't take their country away from the child. They don't become Americans overnight. They still need the connection to where they've come from. They need to talk about their culture, and need to keep in contact with friends and people they know. They need to continue to speak their original language. They need to feel that their birth country is very special and appreciated. They need to be reassured that their feelings are always acceptable, but sometimes their actions are not. They need to know that we will always be their family, no matter what may come, but that there are expectations for them involved in that.
Sometimes those expectations are hard for them to understand - no one ever has real, long-term expections for orphans. They don't always understand why we have to think ahead, while also remembering the past. They don't understand why we continually work on our behaviour toward other people. They don't understand how to prepare for the future. These are new concepts for our girls. They have never had to watch the clock and think about time. They have never had experience with money and how to use it wisely. They've never learned how to lovingly obedient and cheerfully helpful. Up to this point their days were consistently routine and dull, so overstimulation is overwhelming. But they also have no idea how to monitor their own physical needs or make good choices for eating and sleeping. Instead, they want to eat what ever tastes good to them and then ONLY eat that (ramen noodles for nearly every meal for almost 2 months), and they never want to go to bed at a decent time, but they never want to get up on time, either. Our job, as parents, is to teach them balance, and discretion, and control and sometimes, to protect them from themselves and the learned behaviors and attitudes that have come with them. We must teach them and show them a more excellent way. We prayerfully want that to be God's way.
So, we look back to 2009 - a year of miracles and a year of change. Beautiful and blessed year. Now we look ahead to 2010. Challenges are ahead, we have no doubt. But so are blessings. God is good and He will lead us and our children every step of the way.
Love,
Dawn and Mark
But God is SO wise! He knows he can't reveal too much to His children before He chooses to grow them and gift them. God does His best work unpredictably. It's as if it all happens so fast it makes your head spin, and as you are still reeling from the aftereffects, you realize you have just gone through one of the most difficult things you've ever experienced ~ but, you've been blessed beyond measure.
So it has been with us and adopting our two girls from Ukraine. Wow, what challenges there were and continue to be! But the realization of blessing comes tiptoeing quietly, when we least expect it. Days are hard sometimes, but life is good.
Adopting is not for sissies, don't misunderstand. Especially adopting TWO preteen girls from a foreign culture and speaking a different language. (What were we thinking? Oh, yeah, right, it wasn't our plan, but God's plan! My head is spinning!) But adoption grows and changes you and brings love to you that is undescribable.
Christmas this year was an example of what I'm talking about. We've been home with the girls now 6 months. They seem to feel fully at home and part of the family. But there are continual new experiences. Decorating the house and Christmas year, for instance. Normally that job takes me about a week - working about 2 hours every evening. Not anymore! Now there are Santa's elves living in my home! They were so excited about the decorations and oohed and aahed and exclaimed over all of our 20-year-old stuff! They managed to flit here and there and everywhere and got the tree and the whole house decorated in two evenings! Then, shopping and wrapping presents was even better. The girls delighted in trying to peak at their gifts under the tree, and we had to engage in covert operations to try to prevent that (such as stapling the tops of the giftbags shut!) On Christmas day both Zhanna and Ella seemed relaxed and happy and grateful for presents and good food and family. We all felt blessed. Yet, within a couple of days after Christmas we had to deal, once again, with preteen attitudes and desires. That's where we grow, however. We want the girls to understand that we don't want to bless them just on Christmas day, but every day of the year, as we teach them what family is all about and what God wants for their lives. That's the real gift.
The honeymoon period is over between us and the girls. That is good, even though it is harder. But it is real. We deal with everything now with either firm kindness, or kind firmness, whichever seems appropriate for the situation! We now realize you can take the child away from their country, but you can't take their country away from the child. They don't become Americans overnight. They still need the connection to where they've come from. They need to talk about their culture, and need to keep in contact with friends and people they know. They need to continue to speak their original language. They need to feel that their birth country is very special and appreciated. They need to be reassured that their feelings are always acceptable, but sometimes their actions are not. They need to know that we will always be their family, no matter what may come, but that there are expectations for them involved in that.
Sometimes those expectations are hard for them to understand - no one ever has real, long-term expections for orphans. They don't always understand why we have to think ahead, while also remembering the past. They don't understand why we continually work on our behaviour toward other people. They don't understand how to prepare for the future. These are new concepts for our girls. They have never had to watch the clock and think about time. They have never had experience with money and how to use it wisely. They've never learned how to lovingly obedient and cheerfully helpful. Up to this point their days were consistently routine and dull, so overstimulation is overwhelming. But they also have no idea how to monitor their own physical needs or make good choices for eating and sleeping. Instead, they want to eat what ever tastes good to them and then ONLY eat that (ramen noodles for nearly every meal for almost 2 months), and they never want to go to bed at a decent time, but they never want to get up on time, either. Our job, as parents, is to teach them balance, and discretion, and control and sometimes, to protect them from themselves and the learned behaviors and attitudes that have come with them. We must teach them and show them a more excellent way. We prayerfully want that to be God's way.
So, we look back to 2009 - a year of miracles and a year of change. Beautiful and blessed year. Now we look ahead to 2010. Challenges are ahead, we have no doubt. But so are blessings. God is good and He will lead us and our children every step of the way.
Love,
Dawn and Mark
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